THE PURSUIT OF BEING ALIVE
Scientists Warn that Marrying a Nudist May Ruin Your Sex Life
Before you put your clothes back on, read to the end!
https://medium.com/the-random-nerdiness-collective/scientists-say-that-marrying-a-nudist-may-ruin-your-sex-life-e2317bfbe436 Examining the alleged phenomenon as to how repeated exposure to non-sexual nudity will make humans “less sexy” — whether naked or clothed at a later time!
Researchers in Boston have recently released a study that seeks to provide evidence of what everyone already knows. Hanging out with naked people will undermine your sex drive.
A cohort of post-doctoral students at the New England University for Dysfunction (NEUD) have attempted to track the sex lives of 100 nudist couples over the past ten years, though the study has proven statistically invalid as most of the subjects of their study are no longer married. When asked why their relationships failed, most participants replied with statements like, “Once I saw all those people at the nude beach, my libido simply dropped off. Who wants to see your husband naked after watching all those hunky studs in the surf?”
One recently divorced male subject from the study, Dustin Myplace, spoke candidly about the dissolution of his marriage, which he attributes directly to his wife’s insistence on visiting a local nudist resort nearly every weekend.
“At first I thought I was the luckiest guy on earth,” said Dusty. “I’d come home from the office day after day to find my wife cooking naked in kitchen. She simply refused to put clothes on unless the house was freezing.”
Dustin was visibly shaken.
“But then, I found myself longing for those bachelor days where I could sit up by myself late at night watching porn. But once married, my naked wife just kept flaunting her naughty bits around the house everywhere I looked. I honestly think I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing another naked woman.”
Dr. Alma Nevernude, the primary researcher on the study says that Dustin’s case is not unique.
“We have a whole generation now that didn’t have to rely on those magazines stashed under their fathers’ beds, “says Nevernude.” Millennials grew up with easy access to internet pornography. In fact, most simply couldn’t avoid it. Now they represent an entire generation that never thought twice about watching humans copulate — unabashedly naked — on their phone or computer, but had never actually seen a naked human in person until that first date from Tinder or Bumble.” (Unless, of course, they frequented the local nude beach, further exacerbating the desensitization process.)
Many went on to say that, after seeing other naked people on a regular basis, they had to ask their hook-up partners to go back in the bathroom and put-on more clothes as they no longer found nudity to be alluring.
“I see naked people all the time. Please put that thing away!” One participant quipped, quoting a frustrated partner.
Dr. Nevernude goes on to say that the phenomenon is even worse in Germany and France, where casual nudity is even more common, further evidenced by the dramatic drop-off in those couples willing to have children.
“We had thought for a long time that people in Europe were simply more concerned and conscientious about global warming and all the other political drama over recent decades, and thus, had decided not to have children.”
Nevernude thumbed through her research as she spoke.
“As it turns out, these people have been going to nude beaches and spas where nudity has been allowed for an entire generation now, and they find nothing even remotely intriguing about seeing a naked human. They simply aren’t interested in having sex anymore. And therefore, no children!”
While the NEUD consortium remains diligent in the quest to back up their research with statistical data, a sex-researcher in the UK, Sel Abbott, has adopted a much more pragmatic and experiential approach.
He identified ten subjects on the internet, all of whom said that their relationships with nudist partners had uniformly ended in disaster, as their cohabitants finally grew weary of living in a sexless household, and subsequently, went out scouring the nightclub scene for prospects bedecked in seductive clothing. With a singular exception, those relationships all ended abruptly. Casual nudity was the apparent common cause.
In a land-breaking experiment, Abbott was able to procure horse blinders from the local feed and tractor store, adapting them for use by humans. He then transported his ten subjects to the famous three-mile-long beach on the eastern shores of Corsica when he instructed participants to put on the blinders, then walk the length of the beach with their eyes pointed straight ahead. An electronic sensor on the back of the neck monitored the subjects’ slight eye deviations when they attempted to gaze off in one direction or another, while another measured the heart-rate of those who had apparently spotted another naked human out of their peripheral vision.
While the sample was small, the study was conclusive in determining that those who had the discipline to fix their gaze straight ahead while avoiding the visual stimulation of seeing other naked humans were… “horny as hell” …by the end of the beach walk.
One participant replied, “I was so relieved when I finally reached the end of the nude beach and saw all those Italians in skimpy bikinis. My God, they looked hot! I’m never going to a nude beach again!”
“Naked and alone” PHOTO CREDIT: Kyle Cleveland on Unsplash
It’s worth noting that research on this matter remains largely inconclusive, though there are innumerable comments by self-anointed experts here on MEDIUM that provide clear statistical evidence that encountering naked people in a non-sexual environment will finish off your sex drive once and for all.
Says one anonymous regular on the platform, “Nothing does it for me like a plunging neckline. Make me look at fully exposed breasts day after day and I may as well commit myself to celibacy for life.”
The inquisitive team from NEUD is currently seeking funding from the National Science Foundation (NSF) to conduct additional studies on the matter. In the meantime, if you value your marriage, or ever hope to have sex with your spouse again, you’d best avoid nude beaches at all costs. A day frolicking in the sun is simply not worth destroying a lifelong relationship.
AUTHORS NOTE: This piece is intended as satire, while inspired by innumerable comments on this platform and countless others, where readers — predominantly men — leave remarks about how repeated exposure to non-sexual nudity will make women “less sexy,” insisting that casual nudity is outright ruining their sex lives.
It seems to this author that such ideologies represent the most compelling (or maybe… repelling!) evidence of objectification he’s encountered to date. It’s insulting to naturists, disrespectful to women (and men), and moreover, completely devoid of scientific evidence of any kind.
Should the (fictitious) researchers at NEUD wish to complete their study, perhaps they should visit a naturist place in Europe where they will have plenty of subjects on hand to produce a compelling and statistically viable study. That is, if those naked folks have time to engage in such a conversation while on holiday with children in tow. (And we won’t even talk about those long afternoon naps so commonplace in Spain and the South of France. Nap…. pffff!)
Additionally, should you wish to read the story of a real naturist couple who defied the odds of the celibate life, even while raising three children, you can read that here.
P.S. Ironically, I had to change the featured image for this piece (now appearing in the middle of the article) as Facebook bots identified it as too revealing, and warned me about shutting my account down. Maybe the social media bots are actually the same dudes that write those bizarre comments about nudity!
